Ten Things to Remember

A great post by Yitz, of the Waxing Wellspring blog. I'm posting it here because I think it has very practical applications.

A pre Tisha b'Av post I wrote over at Tikkun! brought to mind an important element of daily prayer that can be used to enhance the potency of one's prayers:

The Kav HaYashar writes at the end of Chapter 3 that one should take pains to ensure that he sits in a specific spot in shul on a consistent basis, and that he sit next to someone who does not engage in frivolous talk during the prayers. Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein explained that one of the ideas behind a makom kavua is like the parable from the other post: when we pray at a specific place, our prayers rise up to the Gates of Prayer up above and try to enter in the same spot. The constant, repetitious barrage of daily prayers aimed at the same spot effectively "weaken" that area, which may be otherwise impenetrable.

Moreover, sitting next to someone who doesn't waste his time in shul is mutually beneficial; together you can form a unified front, and give encouragement via reinforcement by your conscious efforts to maximize your prayers.

Tikkun!: Both the Chassidim and the Mitnagdim are mistaken....

Tikkun!: Both the Chassidim and the Mitnagdim are mistaken....: "Both the Chassidim and the Mitnagdim are mistaken. The Mitnagdim are mistaken in that they believe that they don't need a Rebbe. The Chassid..."

What is Frumkeit

(Reposted here by Shmuel's request. I wasn't all that impressed with the piece myself.)

The word “frum” has become a near-synonym for Orthodox. How this came to be is noteworthy.

“Frum” descends from the German “fromm“, meaning pious or devout. In pre-war Yiddish, usage appears to have varied widely. On the one hand, those who named their daughters “Fruma” clearly thought being frum as complementary. On the other, there was an idiom, or as Rav Aharon Kotler often put it, “Frum iz a galech; ehrlich iz a Yid – the town priest is ‘pious’, a Jew is refined.” I also heard the first part from Bergers of that same generation, “frum iz a galech“. Admittedly, both data points from Lithuanian Iddish.

How did the word “frum”, then, ever catch on in the Yeshiva world, a community that aspires for continuity with the yeshivos of Lithuania? How did a word go from being a scornful description of the wrong kind of religiosity to a self-label?

I think that’s it’s for the same reason why kids who are eating at McDonald’s are branded “at risk”, but those who are chronic liars are not. The first group are “at risk” in the sense of their risk of leaving the community and no longer staying exposed to our values — and thus losing the likelihood of returning. Which means we’re defining ourselves by how we differ from non-Orthodox Jews and non-Jews — not by what’s most important.

To some extent, when we use it as a self-identification, we are still thinking of frum in its original, ritual centric, meaning. A frum Jew is one who belongs to our community, and thus is following Orach Chaim, Even haEzer and Yoreh Dei’ah. And as implied by my comparison, this is an important threshold — it’s the line between someone who wishes to remain influenced by our teachings and culture, and those who do not. But it does not accurately reflect priorities. “Ehrlich is a yid.”

It is the original derogatory usage which is clearly the starting point for Rav Shelmo Wolbe’s essay on Frumkeit, in Alei Shur II pp 152-155. R’ Wolbe takes the informal usage of yore and gives it a robust, specific, technical meaning. In his hands, the word “frumkeit” refers to an etiology for a specific kind of cul-de-sac on the path of religious growth.

As you may have noticed following this blog, I am a strong advocate for a thoughtful and passionate approach to religious observance. As the name says, a fusion of passionate aish with the rigor of das’s law-based rite forming a new thing, a new word, “AishDas“. But in my discussion of thoughtful Judaism, I have always presumed the antonym of thoughtless Judaism, observance based on habit, on culture. Putting on tefillin merely because “that’s what is done.”

Rav Wolbe notes a different alternative to thoughtfulness — instinct. To Rav Wolbe, frumkeit is an instinctive drive to be close to the Creator. It is not even specific to humans; the frumkeit instinct is what King David refers to when he writes, “כְּפִירִים שֹׁאֲגִים לַטָּרֶף, וּלְבַקֵּשׁ מֵאֵ-ל אָכְלָם — lion cubs roar at their prey, and request from G-d their food.” (Tehillim 104:21) And, “נוֹתֵן לִבְהֵמָה לַחְמָהּ, לִבְנֵי עֹרֵב אֲשֶׁר יִקְרָאוּ — He gives the animal its food, before the ravens who cry.” (147:9)

What can go wrong with something that draws us to the Almighty, even if it is instinctive? Instincts are inherently about survival, self-preservation. As we see in the pesuqim cited in Alei Shur, the lion cub and the raven calls out to Hashem to get their food. Rather than being motivated by thoughtfulness, frumkeit is the use of religion to serve my ends.

A while back I posted on my blog, Aspaqlaria, about something I called the paradox of performing mitzvos bein adam lachaveiros lishmah — doing interpersonal mitzvos for the sake of the mitzvah:

What is the purpose of such mitzvos? To develop feelings of love and caring toward others; to expand our natural focus on ourselves to include others. Does the lishmah (lit: for itself) mean doing the mitzvah for the sake of doing a mitzvah? If it does, then we are not focusing on caring for other people, we are focusing on Hashem. On the other hand, if we define lishmah as being “for the purpose for which we were given the mitzvah (as best we can understand it)”, we would conclude that mitzvah bein adam lachaveiro “for itself” means doing it without thought to its being a mitzvah. As I said, a paradox.

Rav Wolbe quotes the Alter of Slabodka’s treatment of this question:

“Ve’ahavta lereiakha komakha — and you shall love your peers like yourself.” That you should love your peer the way you love yourself. You do not love yourself because it is a mitzvah, rather, a plain love. And that is how you should love your peer.“

To which Rav Wolbe notes, “This approach is entirely alien to frumkeit.” The frum person is the one who makes sure to have Shabbos guests each week, but whose guests end up feeling much like his tefillin — an object with which he did a mitzvah. A person acting out of frumkeit doesn’t love to love, he loves in order to be a holier person. And ironically, he thereby fails — because he never develops that Image of the Holy One he was created to become. The person who acts from self-interest, even from the interest of ascending closer to G-d, will not reach Him.

One must approach a mitzvah with a drive to see the deed done, rather than the self-interested drive to be the one doing it. This is “mimaaqim qarasikha Hashem — from the depths I call out to you, Hashem.” I reach for G-d not while instinctively grasping for loftiness, focusing on how can I make me more lofty, but when I subdue myself for the sake of the deed. To honor Shabbos out of a sense of honor, to give to the poor because one feels such love and empathy that nothing else would be thinkable.

This is why mussar is primarily a study of da’as, of wisdom and thoughtfulness.

אם תעירו ואם תעוררו את האהבה עד שתחפץ (שיר השירים ב:ז

 The RaMBaN (in HaEmunah v'haBitachon 19, which can be found in the Kisvei RaMBaN [thank you Reb Ally!!!]) has a wonderful interpretation of this thrice-repeated verse in Song of Songs:

When you feel an awakening of sorts, a stirring of the soul, a thought or desire to do a good deed - don't let it get away! The verse says "...ad shetechpatz" - that is, until you have taken that his'orrerus and placed it in something tangible (a chefetz in Hebrew), enclothed it in a physical deed, you run the risk of losing that feeling. The only way to capture that fleeting sense of "goodwill" is to turn it into something real.

For example, Rav Moshe Weinberger relates that when he feels an urge to do teshuva, he begins humming the liturgy from the High Holy Days in order to retain that feeling.

As a tool for shmirat einayim, I find myself quoting the verse "...and do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes" loudly with the cantillation notes (this also earns me a lot of stares, which ultimately adds to the dissuasive effect as well).

Memorizing a chapter of Tehillim can be useful for this idea, or carrying a little sefer to learn something quickly when the feeling arises...

For more on this topic, see Ohr Gedalyahu on Lech L'Cha; Hachsharas Avreichim (page 109); and Imrei Elimelech.

Do Battle With Strategies.

In honor of Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler's yahrtzeit (earlier today, the 25th of Teves):

Rav Dessler was a non-stop smoker for quite some time while serving as the mashgiach in the yeshiva in Gateshead. Once, the bachurim noticed a sign on the door to Rav Dessler's office with an announcement that the mashgiach had officially quit smoking. Mystified, one of the faculty members approached Rav Dessler and questioned him about the sign. After all, the mashgiach wasn't known for being ostentatious, so why the proclamation.

Rav Dessler turned to his colleague and replied (paraphrasing):

I know that it isn't healthy to smoke, and I really want to quit. However, I know that the urge - the taivah - for a cigarette may be too strong to resist, and I will never really quit. By putting up that sign, I'm performing a little test, to see which is stronger - my taivah for a cigarette or my taivah of pride? If people read that sign and then see me smoking again, they might think less of me for not being able to commit to something so trivial; I am confident that my ego won't allow for that...

 Obviously it takes a special Gadol, one whose self-awareness is intact to such an extent to make such an evaluation, but the ingenuity of Rav Dessler's strategy is amazing. Utilizing one middah against another middah can be a powerfully effective way to fix negative traits and stop unhealthy behavior.

Belief in "Self Empowerment"

Pearls of wisdom from the Chovat HaTalmidim:

Just as it is impossible to accomplish anything without will, or to practice a discipline on a constant basis without decisiveness, it is equally impossible to ascend spiritually without having faith in oneself and in the power of one's devotions.

That is to say, we have already established the fact that doing good deeds is not sufficient in and of itself; a person must himself become good. He must take his character traits and transform them to goodness; just as Israel as a whole is engaged in a process of ascent and of growth, so must he be. But it is very difficult for a person who is in a lowly state, who feels that his personality is composed of degraded traits and that even his essence is ignoble to believe that his character will be transformed and made virtuous, and that he himself will experience spiritual ascents.

Because of this, he will be halfhearted and will not make a real effort. He will perform good deeds, but that is all. He will not try to strengthen himself in order to transform his being itself into good.

And yet, have we not said over and over again that you do not know yourself, that all you see is the outer covering - what is inside is concealed from you as well? Why doubt your own ability, thus destroying your own great future, when you do not really see and cannot really know?

Desire, decide, and believe in the power of Israel that is within you and within your devotions. Then you will see whether or not you will become holy as others have, and whether or not you too will shine like a bright star...*

There are so many valuable things to take away from this small excerpt.

First of all, the Rebbe is teaching us an important concept of avodah: there are many levels to serving God, but if one wants to truly grow, he has to internalize his dealings on a "molecular" level. When performing a mitzvah, one has to do it with the intent and the desire that it should have an impression on the very fiber of his being, refining him, altering his spiritual construction; it doesn't happen without a cognizant effort.

But most important, Reb Kalonymos Kalman once again begs us to focus on our innate qualities. This element of faith in oneself does not stem from hubris but rather from knowledge of a special power vested within us by HaShem; as a member of Knesset Yisrael we have to ability to tap into the deepest reservoirs, the richest potential that manifests itself in each Jew through his or her unique expression. It is rooted so deep that we cannot even see it without consciously focusing on that power, and striving to coax it out.

* translation adapted from A Student's Obligation by Rabbi Micha Odenheimer

In one sentence, what Yeshiva chinuch is all about

(Cut-n-paste from R' Chaim Brown's blog, Divrei Chaim.)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

“In public school, they’ll ask you at the end, ‘Well, what have you learned?’ But here at Rice, the question is, ‘What kind of person have you become?”

- p. 75 in “The Street Stops Here – A Year at a Catholic High School in Harlem” by Patrick McCloskey

I don’t think I could come up with a better one sentence summary of what yeshiva education should be all about.
Posted by Chaim B. at 3:28 PM

My 5 second rule

Neil posted this over at his own blog, but I felt that this is a very pertinent example of tikkun hamiddos, and would be a proper entry on this blog...

My 5 second rule

The Sudilkover Eitza

I found this on A Simple Jew's blog. It's worth taking the time out to read, and furthers my previous post about the value of making lists. Enjoy it - I did.

The day after our three hour conversation, I called the Sudilkover Rebbe as directed to hear his specific advice for me.

The Rebbe prefaced his advice by saying that his advice was not his advice. It came directly from Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's instruction to seek out one's good points in Likutey Moharan "Reish Peh Beis". The implementation plan that he prescribed to me, however, was his own. He told me that he wanted me to start this 40 day plan that very day and guaranteed that I would start seeing a real benefit from it within four to five days. He further stated that it was a wonderful way to develop my emuna and remarked, "I guarantee you will see miracles through doing this."

First, he told me to review Likutey Moharan #282 (Azamra) and to listen to the corresponding audio shiurim from Rabbi Nasan Maimon in order to obtain a fuller understanding of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's teaching (I also listened to Rabbi Lazer Brody's CD as well). The Rebbe then advised me to get a notebook and draw lines down the pages and divide them into three columns. In the first column, I was to record things that I did good that day; to include even small things like washing negel vasser in the morning upon arising. In the second column, I was to record the challenges and nisyonos that I experienced that day. This was to include things such as occurrences when I failed to maintain my composure and expressed my anger. Finally, in the third column I was to record examples of Hashem's chasadim (kindnesses) that I observed that day.

The Rebbe instructed to read what I had written down out loud before I said Krias Shema al HaMita each night. After doing this for forty days I would have a clearer picture of how I should proceed. He even mentioned that he too kept such a note book from time to time and said it might be something I may find that I will want to continue past the 40 day period.

Following my hour-long conversation with the Rebbe, I went right out and bought a notebook so I could begin that day.

My yetzer hara immediately started its barrage of arguments.

"How is writing down these things in a notebook really going to help you? And you will see results in four to five days??!!"

I knew better than to listen to my yetzer hara.

My mind then recalled that the Rebbe's advice also fit into another shtickel of Degel Machaneh Ephraim that we learned together. In the Likkutim section at the end of this sefer, the Degel wrote that one time his grandfather, the Baal Shem Tov, told him that if he would say the tefillos "Keil Rachum Shemecha" and "Aneinu" as he did, that he could quite literally be able to bring Moshiach.

The Sudilkover Rebbe explained that these prayers from Selichos are located at the end of the Selichos service and are very often rushed through in an attempt to finish. The Rebbe explained that the Baal Shem Tov was teaching his grandson that one should not treat these tefillos in such a haphazard manner but rather should understand that these tefillos represented the pinnacle of the Selichos davening; that the little things that we do have the potential to accomplishment unbelievable things if only we would believe in ourselves.

Little things like walking me to our meeting were not little in the Sudilkover Rebbe's eyes. When Chabakuk Elisha came to pick me up, the Rebbe thanked him. In his modesty, Chabakuk Elisha tried to brush it aside, but the Rebbe persisted to tell him what a great thing he had done and how much nachas he had brought him by escorting me. He stressed to Chabakuk Elisha that this was not just a little thing which lacked significance. Quite the contrary.

By identifying confidence/good points as the area where I needed improvement, the Rebbe had also zeroed in on advice that I received from co-workers in a recent 360-degree assessment. While noting that I was strongest in my ability to see other viewpoints and opinions, my co-workers noted that I was not forceful or confident enough. This was not news to me. For some people arrogance is something that they have to continually work on, however, it is definitely not so in my case. My father constantly ingrained the trait of humility into me from any early age with perhaps too much zeal and not enough confidence building. If anything, I now swing too far in the opposite direction and can be too self-effacing at times.

In order to return me to a proper equilibrium to follow the middle path, the Sudilkover Rebbe's plan was a pendulum swing in the opposite direction of self-effacement. It was exactly what I needed. Amazingly, as I followed the Rebbe's instructions, I started seeing results immediately. Each night my list of good points and the list of chasadim grew longer and longer and my list of challenges/nisyonos grew shorter and shorter. The process of having to be conscious each day to write something down made me stop and think at intervals throughout the day. What am I doing good today? What am I not doing good today? What are some examples of Hashem's kindness that I am aware of at this very minute?

Twenty days after I began keeping the notebook, I noticed that what I wrote in my good points column was three or four times longer than my entry from the first day. I began to become so aware of more and more good points each day that I needed to bring my notebook along with me to work so I would not be forced to remember them all at the end of the day when I got home.

Searching out Hashem's daily chasadim, I came to have an new awareness and renewed appreciation for numerous things such as my sight, hearing, smell, taste, and digestive system. I spoke to the Sudilkover Rebbe again about my observations, and he told me that as the days go on, that I would not just be able to note a few things, but I would be able to identify literally hundreds of acts of Hashem's kindness each day.

It was not long afterwards that I was able to see kindness in circumstances that others might have labeled as tzoros. Whether it was leaky pipes, a return of mice in my house, or my oldest daughter falling down and scaping and bruising her face, the first thing I did was thank Hashem for these things; knowing that it was tremendous act of kindness since each of these events could have all been much worse. Later, I even added these events to the "chasadim" column of my notebook.

Aside from these "negative" types of chasadim, I also became even more aware of the traditional "positive" types of chasadim and soon attained the ability to stop what I was doing at any given time and name a handful of them at that very moment.

My last insight into the whole 40 day process came during the final 10 days. The Sudilkover Rebbe's advice benefitted me greatly in the area of my davening. It was only then that I was able to really tie together the notebook advice, the concept of finding one's good points, and my davening.

In Likutey Moharan #282, Rebbe Nachman taught,

"The prayer leader is called the shaliach tzibbur, the messenger of the people, and he must be sent by the all the people. His job is to find and gather all the good points in each of the worshippers."

I asked myself, "If am not the shliach tzibbur today, how can I still gather up all my good points?" I then recalled another of Rebbe Nachman's directives, "You can crease and wrinkle my book any way you like when it comes to your own interpretations – as long as you don't violate a single paragraph of the Shulchan Aruch."

A little creasing, wrinkling, and hisbodedus provided me an answer.

Remembering the connection Rebbe Nachman made between davening and the hands, I decided to modify the bed time ritual that I wrote about here. Before davening each Shachris, Mincha, and Maariv, I used my right hand and counted out five new examples of Hashem's chasadim, and then counted out five new examples of my good points using my left hand.

Reb Noson wrote in Likutey Halachos, Hilchos Haskamas Haboker 1,"Discovering one's good points is the foundation of prayer." Indeed, I found that the more I discovered more of my good points and employed this new strategy, the easier it was to daven and to shake of any lethargy that sometimes tried to convince me otherwise.

Although the 40 day period came to an end on the 12th of Teves, I have continued this practice before davening and I continually seek to find more and more good points in myself and in others. As Reb Noson said,

"Each person's life is unique, but this teaching is universal; it applies at all times in life, in youth and old age. The lesson of Azamra can revive us. Happy are those who take it to heart."

 

I just saw something in my good friend Reb Y.'s blog (which is criminally under-posted on) that struck me as a very powerful tool for use when faced with nisyonos (emphasis mine):

If a Jew is faced with the choice to worship avodah zarah or die, even if all his senses tell him to bow down, if logic dictates that he bow down. It is his inner emunah that screams, "How can you? How can you deny Hashem's existence for even a second? How can you not give up your life for Hashem?" This voice is louder and will defy any common sense.

The Tanya goes on and brings this into the everyday life of a Jew. When faced with an inclination to do something against the will of Hashem, remind yourself of this. You would be willing to die for Hashem's will. How big is your taivah to do wrong? Can it be bigger than dying? If you're willing to die for not being separated from Hashem for even a second, you should be able to overcome any desire you have and not go against His will.

Awesome. 

Making a list, checking it twice...

One of the tried and true techniques for character refinement that I have witnessed (my wife is a master of this, and is awe inspiring. THANK YOU HASHEM!) is the practice of forming and assigning oneself a set schedule, in writing. The keeping of a self imposed schedule has many practical advantages, both material and spiritual.

In Chovat HaTalmidim, Reb Kalonymos Kalman outlines it clearly:

It is beneficial to write out a schedule for yourself on a sheet of paper, starting with the time you wish to get up in the morning and continuing with all your activities. Use the sheet as a reference, checking back during the day to see if you have accomplished what you set out to do. (Chapter 5)

While the rebbe's target audience for the sefer was yeshiva age students, and thus he mentions this in the context of learning sessions and finding spare time for extra sedarim, the rebbe clearly saw the value in this technique for people in all walks of life:

Whether you are in yeshiva or not, the schedule of study that you set for yourself should be followed to the minute. You should get to the point that if for some reason you are not able to complete a period of learning, you should feel pained, as if the day itself remained uncompleted....

Each day, make it a practice to check yesterday's schedule. What you did not complete yesterday, you should attempt to complete today. you should only do this, however, if you were unable to to finish because of laziness or lack of diligence. If you were thrown off schedule because of a difficult passage...then you should not force yourself to complete [what] you missed yesterday.

The whole idea of keeping to a quantitative schedule is to discipline yourself to learn crisply and without meandering. (ibid.)

While it is clear that the rebbe's focus was on Torah learning, his advice can be applied to the totality of the day. The carefully mapped out day will more often than not yield far better results in accomplishment than the haphazard approach to our busy lives. Moreover, it introduces the concept of discipline into our everyday operations, which generates consistency, an important ingredient to a Torah true lifestyle.

There are varying degrees to the stricture of your structure;  some people may prefer an outline as opposed to a minute-to-minute checklist. As with everything, it has to be done with a keen sense of self awareness and intellectual honesty.

This eitza also lends itself finely to the idea of cheshbon haNefesh: at the end of the day, one can refer back to his schedule and see how he did. as he starts to sort through the day's events, determining what held him back here, why he dragged his feet at that point, etc., that will aid him in recalling the particularities of the day, and his interactions with people. This segues perfectly into a real, honest soul-searching...

Holy Extremism

כשם שהפשטות והאמת הם שמות נרדפות, כן הקיצוניות והגדלות הם שמות נרדפות .הקיצוניות היא ההשתלמות של הנושא. הדוגל בהבינוניות ומואס בקיצוניות חלקו עם הזיפנים או עם חדלי תבונה

The words above are a quote from the letters of the Chazon Ish. His claim is that to be great one must be an extremist. Anything less is assuring oneself of mediocrity at best and renders such a person ..... well I'd rather not translate.

What does he mean?

Example: The Olympics. To be an Olympic athlete one must train obsessively for years. No social life, no other serious interests. One thing. TRAINING. That means getting up at three am and running 10 miles, then lifting weights followed by a healthy breakfast with lots of nutrition and less taste. No doughnuts. Why? To excel!!

In ruchniyus a person must have the same intensive focus on excellence in order to become truly great. It means sleeping less than he might want to, not eating foods he enjoys, not going places he would like to visit and denying himself what his natural instincts dictate that he desire. This single minded focus on spiritual perfection produces a tzaddik. Always careful to say the right words, act the right way and even control his thoughts ensuring that only purity and holiness enter his personal domain.

Does extremism mean throwing rocks on passing cars on Shabbos or calling anyone you disagree with a heretic? OF COURSE NOT.

Spiritual Extremism means; extremely sensitive, extremely loving, extremely caring, extremely honest, extremely generous.

I bless myself and anyone else who so desires that we become holy extremists!:)

Be pleasant!

Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler, author of the numerous essays and articles that comprise the Michtav M'Eliyahu, would often be called upon by tzedakkah collectors in his home in Bnei Brak. In those days, there was a certain scarcity that we could never relate to, and the Ponovezh Yeshiva had trouble making payroll on many occasions; it goes without saying that there were instances where Rav Dessler simply didn't have anything to give this poor man.

Nonetheless, Rav Dessler would invite him into his home, and sit with the man for a nice amount of time, engaging in pleasant conversation. He would ask the man about his background - where was he from? who lived there? did so-and-so live in that little town? After establishing a commonality with the man and making him feel good about the fact that such an esteemed personality such as Rav Dessler recognized his little town and knew people there, Rav Dessler would sit for a little while longer, making this man feel like an actual human being rather than a faceless meshulach going door to door, collecting alms without garnering any real attention to himself.

Very often, that man would leave Rav Dessler's home feeling better than he would if he had received a hefty donation.

If a Torah giant could spare time from his busy schedule to give a little recognition to a stranger, to offer some validation to a person many of us wouldn't give a moment's thought to - how much more so when it comes to us and the people that we deal with on a regular basis...

Engaging in pleasant conversation is not a formality - it is an essential tool to establishing positive relations with others.

Two Questions - A Personal Note

Mevakesh Lev recently described Rav Shimon Shkop's entrance bechinah. If you didn't yet, read that post before continuing on to this one.

When I read this story it made me feel truly privileged to have experienced what it means to be part of this tradition. For two years I sat in the shi'ur of Rav Dovid Lifshitz ^zt”l, the Suvalker Rav, a student of Rav Shimon's. And Rav Dovid's notion of a test was similar to his rebbe's.

YU required written finals. I think Rav Dovid once told me that he wouldn't have given them otherwise. In any case, the morning of the final, rebbe would ask us two questions that echo Rav Shimon's "fahrher":

First, he would want to know who had eight hours of sleep the previous night.

Second, he would ask who had breakfast that morning.

Rav Dovid’s primary concern was for the welfare of his talmidim who were often overextended during final week. How can he worry about how we would test when he wasn’t yet sure we were fully equipped to succeed at our learning?

Those who didn’t get a full night’s sleep were sent back to bed. Those who skipped breakfast were given $5 (mid-1980s money) and sent to the cafeteria. (At least, those who addmitted to it. Few people would raise their hands the second time around, and I know for sure at least some of us were just avoiding taking rebbe's money...)

Similarly, the question Rav Dovid most frequently asked me when he was mesader qiddushin at my wedding, "Are you hungry? Fasting today is at best a minhag; simchas chasan is deOraisa!"

There is an old saying,

יענעמס גשמיות איז בא מיר רוחניות.

Another’s physical needs/wants are for me, spiritual.

---

To Rav Shimon and Rav Dovid, a talmid's gashmius was truly their ruchnius.

But I realized there is another layer to this attitude, one that makes it one of the fundamentals of Yahadus:

Why is there a gashmius to begin with?

Because the Creator wanted to provide us with a venue where we can interact with other people. Where things aren't perfect, and we must step in and take partnership with Him in completing their creation. A place where we can be givers, not just recipients.

In other words, the sole reason for this world is so that my ruach, my soul-as-will (ruach also means wind — the unseen power that moves the seen) can step in and provide for others their physical needs. This is why we were created such that sexual intimacy is of the greatest bonding forces. A the Torah says “Therefore man will leave his father and mother and bond with his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Bereishis 2:24) This is why we associate sharing a celebration with sharing a meal (such as the qorban Todah, for giving thanks, which was of a size too large for any one person or his immediate family to eat).

Another's gashmius is thus the reason for my soul being extended into this world. Beyond simply calling it a religious duty, it truly is my ruchnius.

We know that the ideas of kol ram and peh malei have very effective results in tefilla and in learning.

Rav Yisroel Salanter used to emphasize numerous times that the only way to truly acquire yiras Shamayim, to truly inculcate it into our very beings is to learn mussar out loud, with a niggun.

In terms of realities, the fact that our bodies are completely physical and our souls are naturally spiritual, the marriage of the two is not really a natural relationship. Any additional work requires vast amounts of effort and continuous input just to keep the two realities from rejecting each other.

Music is one of the only things that can bridge that gap; on the one hand, it is physical, made from physical motions or actions, and yet it is so powerful it has the ability to penetrate to a person's very core (Rebbe Nachman has many Torahs dedicated to this concept, and warns about the spiritual ills that accompany music that wasn't created with pure intentions).

In order for mussar to really make an impact, we must learn it with a tune, a melody, more so than the singsong chant we have when we learn gemara.

The Loss Of Fear

About 16 years ago Rav Soloveitchik's son, known affectionately as "DR. Grach" wrote a famous article in Tradition which generated a great deal of discussion and argument. One of his many astute observations was that while today people are "frummer" than they once were [note the mass scale of Torah learning in yeshivos and kollelim, minyanim everywhere, ubiquitous payos, head covering for women, the popularity of mikva for women and men etc.], the palpable sense of FEAR of Hashem that people once had is all but lost.

It says in the Holy Books that one should cry during davening on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I see very few tears if any during these Days of Awe. I think that people are just not afraid for their lives anymore. Things are COOL! Well, the reality is that things are NOT cool. People DO die [many many this past year, of all ages. The Angel Of Death doesn't discriminate]. So my own small blessings that we should merit to feel the awe during these Days of Awe. And if you are not afraid for your lives and well being - I am. So you can do me a favor and daven for Elchanan ben Henna Miriam and his family [keyn yirbu!] that we should make it through this coming year in good health. If you are interested you can send me your name and I will return the favor and daven for you.

The fear I am talking about is constructive. It is the impetus for a transformation of the self [known in our literature as "tshuva...].

Love and blessings and wishes for eternal good for all:)!

Yamim Nora'im Prep part III

Our third segment on different suggestions and approaches to the concept of forgiveness focuses on reaching an idealized perspective via-a-vis the people we come into contact with.

Whereas the earlier approaches we discussed involved either "forcing" ourselves into the recognition of  the necessity of mechila (and the gravity of half-hearted forgiveness) and techniques to calm our animus towards those who have wronged us, I'd like to focus for a moment on nuturing healthy relationships, which facilitates itself toward forgiving others with ease.

What is love? Where does it come from? How does it develop?

Rabbi E. E. Dessler makes a powerful observation concerning this very topic in his Kuntress HaChessed (Michtav M'Eliyahu Vol. 1). Contrary to popular belief, Rav Dessler asserts that love is not enhanced by giving - it is the giving that creates love. Rather than being in a loving relationship and therefore feeling compelled to act with kindness towards someone, bestowing them with gifts and favors, it is quite the opposite: the very act of giving, of providing for someone stirs within the giver strong feelings of attachment and closeness, and allows an true and honest relationship to flourish.

My suggestion is this: with friends and loved ones, strive to give them what they need, whether it's moral support, a handout, or a smile. When the relationship deepens through the mutual acts of giving, it will be that much easier to separate from our selfishness and see through to the truth. As for those whom you may not get along with? Try very hard to be pleasant to them, and help them any way you can. By constantly giving to them, you will be strengthening your relationship (obviously this has to be done with common sense and no attitude...), and hopefully they will see the effort you are exerting to make it work with them...

Yamim Nora'im Prep part II

Continuing our theme of forgiveness, we are going to explore different ways to reach a point in which we can actually provide someone with a sincere wholehearted mechila. In an earlier post, we provided a way to obligate ourselves to forgive someone, but how do we put that necessity into action? To have a bona fide mechila for anyone who is not really our friend - or someone who really wronged us - merely acknowledging that we are forgiving him won't help us actually come to a true mechila, which is the real goal.

The holy rebbe of Piaseczna gives us a daring piece of advice in his seminal work Chovat HaTalmidim. At the end of the ninth chapter, the rebbe addresses the issue of reconciling with an enemy with whom the mutual hate is so great that you simply cannot find any redeeming qualities in this person.

This is what you should do. Write him a letter. Don't send it to him; hide it somewhere in your home. In the letter, insult and shame him as much as the serpent of anger in your heart desires. For some days, read the letter aloud, and imagine that you are standing in front of him, taunting and abusing him with all the expressions of the letter. After some days, you will find your anger has dissipated, and if you are a sensitive person, you may discover yourself running to reconcile with him. *

More than an act of catharsis, the rebbe's advice shows a profound quality in our nature. After pouring out all the venomous feelings and thoughts about this person into this composition, we are encouraged to reread it every few days. Despite the fact that in the heat of the moment we were able to pen such hateful, hurtful words, a few days later those words will seem to be alien and foreign, and we would have a hard time believing that we actually wrote them.

With every subsequent reading, we'll comment "wow, I was being pretty harsh. He's not like that all the time..." and we will begin to see flaws in our hateful view of this person. Moreover, we will begin to find ways to counter the arguments made in the letter, and find redeeming qualities in this fellow as we revisit this letter. Eventually, the feelings of hate and anger will have been replaced by a powerful desire to reconcile with this person, and like the rebbe says, we will run to make peace with him.

This idea enables us to bring the conceptual understanding of mechila into a more concrete form, out of potential into action.

* English adapted from A Student's Obligation by Micha Odenheimer

Priceless

From the mevakesh lev blog:

One of my favorite stories:

In a village in Europe in order to marry a girl you had to pay the father with cows [women of all ages - please forgive the moshol!:)]. A really special girl - 10 -11 cows. Average girl - 5-6 cows. Less - 2-3 cows. There was a certain fellow in town who was especially shrewd. Everyone was sure that he would get a great girl at a bargain price. He ended up with the least attractive, least desirable girl in town for which he paid [drum roll] SIXTEEN COWS!!!

HOLY COW!!! [li'ilui nishmas Phil Rizzuto]

Nobody could believe it! This dull, unintelligent girl with almost no skills and less personality for such an exorbitant price?!

About a month after the wedding someone came to visit and the girl was unrecognizable. Beautiful, well-mannered, noble and with many intelligent things to say. Not to mention a FANTASTIC cook [not that guys care about such things:)]. The visitor pulls his friend aside and whispers - "What happened? Such a drastic change!"

The shrewd chosson answers "Every day she looks in the mirror and says to herself 'My husband paid SIXTEEN COWS for me.'"

Moral: Always make your wife feel that she is worth diamonds and pearls. She will become her greatest self and you will both be happy.

Happy wife - Happy Life.

Ad Kan mi'divrei ha'blog.

The Rebbe in the Chovas Hatalmidim teaches so cogently that the only way to get the best out of your talmidim is to make THEM feel like they are priceless gems.

May I humbly add - start with yourself.

"Bi'shvili nivra ha'olam."